I wrote the following a month or two back when my depression took a dip. I didnt share it at the time but as today is World Mental Health Day it seems fitting.
I hope this provides an insight into the mind of someone who is depressed. I'd encourage you to read this imagining a colleague or friend who seems OK. I seemed OK to most when I wrote this... A few close to me realised, but generally I hide.
Talking and sharing really helps me. But my experience is just that... Mine. Like any illness, mental health is individualised to the person, and one person with depression might not resemble someone else with it.
I dont post seeking sympathy, for a pat on the back or to make out that I represent anyone but myself. But I do hope that I can help others understand.
Let's get talking.
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Im currently in a dip. My mood has taken a turn and I'm working through it.
It's hard to describe my thoughts, but I wonder if it's helpful to try.
I'm currently sat in a coffee chain, actually trembling. This is partly my own fault... Ive had a coffee and the caffeine has obviously added to my own circulating adrenaline. I'm hyperacutely aware of everyone around me. If I let my thoughts start to drift, I start to imagine that I am being looked at. I imagine that people look at my hair and wonder why it isn't cut, at my overweight stomach, at my acne scars, the fact I'm sat alone and all sorts of things.
Intellectually I know that they couldn't care less who I am or what I'm doing. And so I have these two conflicting thoughts in my brain... I feel like I'm listening to an argument at times, except it's me vs myself.
Intellectually I know that they couldn't care less who I am or what I'm doing. And so I have these two conflicting thoughts in my brain... I feel like I'm listening to an argument at times, except it's me vs myself.
(When I read this to check spelling etc, it feels as if there are two strangers with their chins on my shoulders watching me, it such an overwhelming feeling and I am forcing myself not to turn and confirm that they aren't there)
Why don't I just turn it off? I wish I could. Last night I watched YouTube, Netflix, read, got up, walked around, had a tea and all sorts to try and help me sleep, but every time I stopped distracting myself, my brain floods with thoughts. I tell myself that my whole life is a waste of time, that I am a waste of space and waves of guilt come over me for being so selfish and arrogant. I am so lucky... I have been gifted so much in who I am and I hate myself for not appreciating it, and in a weird triple-paradox, hate that I hate myself for it when I could just accept I'm alright.
My own brain concocts the denigration I give myself... It doesn't exist outside.
The trouble is, when I'm like this, I start to become irrational, so that my ability to laugh off or sensibly process just disappears. I worry that I offend a bus driver for not having the correct change, or my neighbour for not putting my bins out. It's almost like I look for reasons to justify why I hate myself, to reinforce the falsity.
The trouble is, when I'm like this, I start to become irrational, so that my ability to laugh off or sensibly process just disappears. I worry that I offend a bus driver for not having the correct change, or my neighbour for not putting my bins out. It's almost like I look for reasons to justify why I hate myself, to reinforce the falsity.
I start to see meanings in things that are just coincidence. For example, a load of new songs have just been released that feel like they just fit how I'm feeling. They are melancholy so just feed the beast!
Someone threw a cigarette out of a car and it hit my window yesterday. It felt like a warning of some kind, but I couldn't tell you what.
At my worst I have bizarre dreams like where I offer to become a live organ donor (why?!) but all my organs are rejected as I'm too poor quality to give to unwell people. Dreaming is a warning sign for me... When I'm well I don't tend to remember my dreams.
Someone threw a cigarette out of a car and it hit my window yesterday. It felt like a warning of some kind, but I couldn't tell you what.
At my worst I have bizarre dreams like where I offer to become a live organ donor (why?!) but all my organs are rejected as I'm too poor quality to give to unwell people. Dreaming is a warning sign for me... When I'm well I don't tend to remember my dreams.
Dont get me wrong, I am not hearing voices or believing that any of these things I'm describing are real. They aren't. I know it's my own brain. And I know that with perseverance I will somehow return to normal. It will happen and just click.
The effort required though feels overwhelming and impossible. I know that I need to go and exercise, but I find any excuse not to. I know I should see my friends and family, but I hide away.
Work really helps. I have a focus and I'm lucky enough to be in a job where I help people. In each of my jobs I have wonderful colleagues who lift me. I'm never sure how much to say when at work... I feel alright when there so it just seems odd to make a deal out of things.
Putting on my customer service face is bit like when someone makes you smile... It tricks you into believing you are ok, and then suddenly you are!
