I often think that I'm not a lucky person, you know, because I never win a crappy prize at a raffle or I've only ever won a tenner on the lottery.

But I've done okay this week, I've got my first choice job at Bolton, to start in August! Dr Pillon (that's me) will be working in Breast Surgery, Complex Medicine, Psychiatry, Paediatrics, A&E and General Practice for two years in Britain's largest town. "Just" got to earn that MB ChB qualification now eh?

I've just finished my General Surgery placement at Trafford General. I've never wanted to be a surgeon but I actually had an ace time at Trafford. I've always liked placements there, it's a really nice little hospital and it's been really great being part of it for 2 months. Despite the 8am starts, I've had a lot of fun with the house officers and I've even done stuff like night shifts (which is perhaps evidence of "Finals Craziness" kicking in). I even gained a new nickname "Sam", which I might keep for future surgical jobs. And I've made some new friends: Nadia, Su, Lucy, Sally, Aki & Sarah/Jack. And of course, Dr Sarah G (aka The Boss) herself - I will miss being part of our dynamic duo!
On my last day yesterday, I went back to Day Surgery, where I did my first ever placement. It was vasectomy afternoon, and in front of all the nervous looking men, I picked up Sheila, a health care assistant who first looked after me on my wide-eyed first day. It was quite moving actually - they've seen me grow up over the past three years and I hope I will still get chances to pop back and say hi.
I left my 4 month stint in Blackburn feeling pretty confident about the whole junior doctor role, and at Trafford I've had the chance to take that further and I'm pretty proud of where I am now. It's odd to think that I was seriously considering leaving medicine 6 months ago; this year has kind of brought things together for me.

My next and last block will be in Liasion Psychiatry in North Manchester/Oldham. It's my elective block, so I have to explain it with faux embarrassment as I "should" really be on a beach somewhere pretending to learn. But actually, I'm really excited about getting the chance to try out the career I want to do for two months, it's pretty unique!

Anyway, what have I been up to this week?

I've been mostly listening to:

• "La Revolucion Sexual" - La Casa Azul
• "A&E" - Goldfrapp

I've been mostly watching:

• "Rome" on DVD
• The excellent new Torchwood

I've been mostly reading about:

• Kosovo's "independence" declaration
• The "fat, waddling staff" at Trafford General in the comments section of a story about the Trust's cash crisis
• Acid-Base balance, Kidneys and other such things I thought I could get away without learning...

I've been mostly spending money on:

• Some lovely shoes from Dolcis at The Trafford Centre thanks to their closing down!
• things at the DVLA webiste: road tax, change of address, new driving license, the list is surprisingly long

Anyway, I'm done now. Goodnight

Okay. So my temperament is such that I get pretty emotional about things. Nothing new.


I wasn't really prepared for what happened... even with the minor warning the BBC puts out. I've just watched this week's Casualty. Now, I don't want anyone thinking I'm some nut who loves this show in a disturbing way, and I know I've recently blogged about it.

But that's because it's some incredible television... actually, it's better than that description suggests... it's fantastic and believable drama worthy of more praise than it will ever probably get.


This week was the story of Ruth Winters, an F2 doctor who hanged herself, told from her diary leading up to her hanging. Raw is good word to describe the episode.


http://www.bbc.co.uk/drama/casualty/storyupdates/index.shtml?20080209


I'm not really embarrassed to admit that I was proper crying by the end of the programme. I was actually cut up. Ruth was an excellent doctor, perhaps a bit cold, who pushed herself too hard. She's had a shit life. But she's a good person (slash fictional character, whatever!).
And Georgia Taylor, the actress, did a great job at playing her.


But good drama makes you emotional not just because it's good, it's because it hits you personally, and makes you think about yourself.
And you know what, I'm really scared. I've been matched to a Foundation Programme in Bolton from August. I'll be the kind of doctor Georgia Taylor is pretending to be. But I'm going to be doing it for real.
And I'm not supposed to let on that I'm scared. The medical culture is such that I must appear brave and confident at all times. It's not the done thing to let your mask slip, to admit you're wrong. Indeed, there are certainly people who, if reading this, would be absolutely thrilled because my seeming incompetence helps them propel up the ladder. I guess medicine isn't unique in this way, most jobs require competitive staff in order that the best progress and make the company or business strong.

And my problem is that this way of life just isn't very me. I spent the first part of my twenties pretending things were okay and smiling when I wasn't happy because I didn't want to admit I could have got it wrong. I let myself be walked all over by someone who didn't really care for me at all, but happily let me care for them. And it's a lonely feeling when you can't be yourself. And I don't I want to repeat that experience for the rest of my working life, pretending that all is okay.
I'm not Ruth...and I'm not planning on hanging myself. But I'm going to face the same pressures as she did, and I'm not really sure how I'm going to deal with them.

...

Well... if you've read through you might feel like I did after watching Virgin Media ask me if I wanted to end the Catch Up TV Showing. So let's break the mood with a Paris Hilton video. :-p

Cute dog.