I wasn't really prepared for what happened... even with the minor warning the BBC puts out. I've just watched this week's Casualty. Now, I don't want anyone thinking I'm some nut who loves this show in a disturbing way, and I know I've recently blogged about it.
But that's because it's some incredible television... actually, it's better than that description suggests... it's fantastic and believable drama worthy of more praise than it will ever probably get.
This week was the story of Ruth Winters, an F2 doctor who hanged herself, told from her diary leading up to her hanging. Raw is good word to describe the episode.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/drama/casualty/storyupdates/index.shtml?20080209
I'm not really embarrassed to admit that I was proper crying by the end of the programme. I was actually cut up. Ruth was an excellent doctor, perhaps a bit cold, who pushed herself too hard. She's had a shit life. But she's a good person (slash fictional character, whatever!).
And Georgia Taylor, the actress, did a great job at playing her.
But good drama makes you emotional not just because it's good, it's because it hits you personally, and makes you think about yourself.
And you know what, I'm really scared. I've been matched to a Foundation Programme in Bolton from August. I'll be the kind of doctor Georgia Taylor is pretending to be. But I'm going to be doing it for real.
And I'm not supposed to let on that I'm scared. The medical culture is such that I must appear brave and confident at all times. It's not the done thing to let your mask slip, to admit you're wrong. Indeed, there are certainly people who, if reading this, would be absolutely thrilled because my seeming incompetence helps them propel up the ladder. I guess medicine isn't unique in this way, most jobs require competitive staff in order that the best progress and make the company or business strong.
And my problem is that this way of life just isn't very me. I spent the first part of my twenties pretending things were okay and smiling when I wasn't happy because I didn't want to admit I could have got it wrong. I let myself be walked all over by someone who didn't really care for me at all, but happily let me care for them. And it's a lonely feeling when you can't be yourself. And I don't I want to repeat that experience for the rest of my working life, pretending that all is okay.
I'm not Ruth...and I'm not planning on hanging myself. But I'm going to face the same pressures as she did, and I'm not really sure how I'm going to deal with them.
...
Well... if you've read through you might feel like I did after watching Virgin Media ask me if I wanted to end the Catch Up TV Showing. So let's break the mood with a Paris Hilton video. :-p
Cute dog.
No comments:
Post a Comment