Glum Sunday

I haven't blogged in a while have I?

I'm normally ranting off loads, but I guess I've been a bit glum lately and I haven't really felt like it. It feels like lots of things are going wrong and whilst I know that they are bound to improve, I'm kind of indulging myself a bit. Things are happening around me and I'm not really in control so there isn't a lot I can do, just ride it out I suppose.

It's a few things really... and oddly (or perhaps not) they all have the core theme of having my personality/individuality/freedom of choice being suppressed. Don't get me wrong - I'm hardly Nelson Mandela fighting the oppression of a people; I'm just a bit fed up of having to do things I don't like for other people's benefit!

My Project Option has turned into a farce and I'm almost-disproportionately upset about it now. It's an 11-week module coming up in May where you learn "research methods" and study a clinical problem in depth. It's a long stoy that I'll rant about another time, but suffice to say I've had such a hard time solely because of other people's incompetence that I'm pissed off with myself for thinking I could win against the system by being keen and interested in my degree - evidently they University of Manchester Medical School would prefer that I am miserable.

As for LGBT stuff, I guess I'm going through a low patch with it really. I wish I could devote all my time to it, I get so much satisfaction from it. I guess I wish though that I was part of a larger team of people who felt the same as I did - I find myself agreeing to do things because I think they are important... but also because I know that if I don't, no-one else will. Either that or I wish I could care about things a bit less so that I was able to say no and not feel guilty!

What upsets me is when I get mocked for being enthusiastic and trying to infect other people with it - it's hard to feel like you're fighting all the time, especially with people who you might guess would be on your side.

However, I'm lucky to have people like my good friends Bev and Rach around to remind me why it's worth it!

There's also a fair few other personal things which I'm not going to do a Jodie Marsh and "reveal all" about, but needless to say that I'm fairly preoccupied about. In a way, it's quite funny because I'm actually both a supposed "victim" and a "perpetrator" of the same act which is upsetting me. And I don't really feel I've done anything wrong... but I suppose that is often the way with these things.

I wish people could just be upfront and honest with me - it's how I prefer things. In the words of my dad, there are so many things I don't know - and I never will if someone doesn't think to actually say to me.

One of the reasons I like Star Trek is the line from the ending of ST: The Next Generation, where it's noted that whilst you could go and explore the whole of space - you actually shouldn't forget to explore your own mind. For me, bettering myself is all about internal things - and I guess I've come to realise over the past few years that however much it might hurt at the time -I would always rather know the score, as it is.