The Gay

OMG. These four songs are the highlights of the year. They are my Eurovision lifeblood, camp disco schlager music that just make me smile and then dance inanely. Even when they're actually shit. Joyous times.

Sweden/Sverige – "Popular" – Eric Saade

This sounds like a lot of Swedeish schlager-pop and good on it. Eric belts out some crackingly bad lines; the early rhyming of “impossible” with erm, “possible” is a big humdinger of a bleurgh, but he makes up for it with a series of Bieber-licioius mini-dance breaks. In truth, this is utterly ridiculous, but pretend that you’re a thirteen-year old girl in your bedroom and you’ll love it (so obviously I do)

Hungary/Magyarország – "What About My Dreams?" – Kati Wolf

Think “Hungarian Sarah Jessica Parker” and Kati is it. This starts as a power ballad that you hope becomes a “traditional” Eurovision stomper... and it does, though it momentary blip in the middle with far too much warbling, though this is redeemed at the end when Kylie’s “Disco Needs You” choir climbs on board. If you’ve had enough to drink and/or are in a club, this is the kind of song that will have jumping around pretending you’re in a spotlight with rain pouring on your face.

Malta – One Life – Glen Vella

If Glen isn’t gay then my ‘dar is way off and someone needs to tell him to smile less, stop flailing around and wear less neon. The music and lyrics are pure diva anthem, this is “fabulous”, but it ain’t a grower. (In case I’m not clear, it’s awful. Like, really B.A.D.)

Israel/יִשְׂרָאֵל‎‎/إِسْرَائِيل– "Ding Dong" – Dana International

S/he’s back! Ex-winner Dana belts out this gay club-friendly choon with the campest title this year. She also manages to sing in Hebrew without it sounding like a respiratory disease ward in winter, no small achievement. Having said that, it does a sound a bit Eurovision of 10 years ago, but that doesn’t stop it being fabulous.